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Saving Your Marriage

What planet are you on? Everything was going great (or so you thought) but your ex-boyfriend broke up with you out of the blue. You had your plan of attack in action – you were going to get him back and you knew exactly how to do it. Then you got even worse news that rocked you to the core – your ex is dating another girl. Now what? The plan you had carefully constructed went flying out the window and you don't know what to do. Take heart – all hope isn't lost just because of an added speed bump in the road. So he's dating again. The good news is you can deal with that – and you can get him back successfully.

You've got a long, challenging road ahead of you. Do your best to focus your attention on the end goal – and not the stumbling blocks in your path. You know that you have to somehow find a way to squeeze into their new relationship – on top of changing his mind about being with you again. You've got your work cut out for you. That's why you need to work beneath the scenes. Being obvious isn't going to do you any favors, and it's not going to go over well with him either.


Usually playing games or twisting someone's emotions to try to get your way is a negative technique that can often backfire. However desperate times often call for desperate measures. The normal tricks of the trade simply aren't going to be effective with the added challenge of another woman in the picture. You need to reach out and attempt contact with your ex, but you can't do it overtly. You need to find a way to be sneaky about it and avoid a potential problem if his new girl finds out.

Before you can make your first moves you need to stop for a while. Don't make any sudden moves. Don't reach out – even if you think you're ready. You need to pause and take a reality check. Do you remember what you and your ex were like when you first started dating? You were on top of the world discovering every little tidbit about each other and the bond between you was constantly growing. As much as it hurts, you need to give him this initial phase with his new girlfriend. Any step you take while they're glowing in their honeymoon phase will be met with resistance and it may ruin any future chances you have. After their relationship becomes more normal and the daily grind resumes your attempts to reach out and talk to your ex will be met with a more positive response. You need to at least give him the impression that you've moved on without him. That way he won't be overly suspicious about your renewed interest in talking to him again.

Obviously you haven't – not really. You're more interested than ever but for now that can stay your little secret.

You can't just leap the chasm of no contact to suddenly getting back together. You have to build bridges along the way that allow that possibility to become more and more probable. Don't jump the gun – the last thing you want is to put him on edge or let him in on your plans. When the time is right you can reach out with your first move to reconnect. Email is the perfect tool to accomplish your goal. It's subtle enough that his new girl will never know – and that way you don't have to risk a huge blowout when she finds out that he's been talking to his ex-girlfriend again.

Your initial attempt should be happy, upbeat and pleasant. Keep it simple without going overboard. Now is not the time for long, drawn-out messages or rambling endless prattle. Send him a message that asks him a question about something relevant. Maybe he's holding on to something that belongs to you. Maybe you just need to know how to change a car tire. Anything that can open the door without being blatantly over the top is going to be your best bet. Start small and watch it build.

Once he replies or answers your question you have the chance to continue the conversation along normal, friendly lines. You can ask him how he's doing or how his job is going. Don't start asking questions that could raise his defenses and don't let him get even a hint that you have a grander plan in mind. No matter what, don't bring up his new girlfriend. When he feels comfortable enough, he will bring the subject up. No matter what he says about her, don't get caught saying anything negative. You'll only raise his defenses sky high and make further communication awkward and tense – if it continues at all.

Once you've traded emails back and forth, you may be surprised to find a new text waiting for you. Email is convenient but a lot less personal than other forms of contact. You don't' have to push the timing – it will progress on its own. Texts may lead to phone calls, but don't expect to hear from him when his new girl is hanging around. Contact may be sparse at first, but it will continue as long as you can stay positive and keep him interested.

You need to develop a new bond with your ex that can resemble the one that you used to have. It won't be identical but it will be a step in the right direction. The past that you shared never completely disappeared, it simply needs to be discovered and polished. As that trust begins to grow, your ex will start confiding in you. This is something you should encourage to continue. Let him vent if he needs to. Let him say whatever he needs to get off his chest. He may even start telling you details about his relationship that don't cast it in a continually positive light. That's a good sign. Listen to him and support him – but don't cast negativity over what he shares. Just give him a friendly ear. He's going to be impressed with your demeanor and that comfort level allows your communication to continue.

It's natural that after communicating consistently for some time a face to face meeting is the next step. You may be dying to see his face again but don't allow him to see your excitement. Expect a bit of trepidation – the situation has every possibility of being slightly awkward and you're both going to be a little tense. Try to relax as much as possible and just let the conversation flow. By the end of your first meeting, you should encourage another chance to see him without being aggressive.

Pretty soon it will seem like the two of you are closer than ever and that's when it's time to make your move. You both have been displaying signals like crazy and for once it's okay to act. The fire that ignited when you first met is going to be burning brightly. It's a forbidden connection, but it feels so good.

Don't rush things while he's still considering everything that's happened. He may not be ready to up and leave the life that he's become accustomed to. The best thing you can do to encourage things to progress is to be patient and let him take his time. He's going to be drawn to you. If you're lucky, he'll even think that getting back together was all his idea to begin with. That will be the key to winning him back and overcoming all the hurdles that life threw in your way.

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