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Self Marriage Counseling

I wonder how many relationships that you know of have died mainly because either person, or perhaps even both, didn't feel as if they were fully understood? How many times do we see someone inside a romantic relationship cheat, then when you ask them how it happened, the reply was something near to; “I feel a bond, like he (she) gets me.”

All too often.


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When we first get into a romance, we try hard to figure out everything we are able to concerning the other individual. We wish to know what they like to eat, where they want to go, what videos they like to watch, everything about their hobbies, where they've been, where they're trying to go. When we are in a new romantic relationship, we turn in to the biggest, best “job interviewer” you can find. We try and learn everything.

Somewhere in the future, we think we've got all of it figured out. Brand new things appear that require our awareness, and we lose focus. “Living” pulls us in several directions, work, kids, career, and hobbies all promote our very own personal growth. However, that growth can be in different directions. Those people we once were is simply not who we are now, and this appears to get worse every day. That individual we got to discover when the relationship was new, they've changed. Most of the changes are very soft and subdued, and the concern is not really that they've changed, but instead that we've neglected to notice.

Our first inkling that there is something wrong is generally one of those times when one partner comes home, to see the other upset, due to something which happened, or didn't happen that day. If this takes place on a day when the returning partner has also had a awful day, you begin trading explanations why your day was even worse. With no one listening, and both people talking, nothing gets done, nobody feels better. If this takes place too often, then both people will start to feel that their companion doesn't appreciate them.

The main problem is that we're trying to get the other person to understand us. It's not your fault, it's human nature. It's the way you are hard-wired.

Even appearing wired to do things like this, you can still solve this; you just have to discover how to get started. The solution to correcting this, and to keep things running smoothly from that point on, would be to do the exact opposite of what you feel like doing. What you must do would be to first figure out the other person. Listen to what they are saying, and prove to them you are listening. You do this by rephrasing what they've told you, so that they realize you heard them (Bear in mind: you're doing this to repair the thing that is much more important to you than everything else, your relationship, leave the jokes as well as the sarcasm out of it). When you have succeeded in doing so, they may either agree or correct you, so you do comprehend. Once you listen, and make time to understand what they really want or need, you'll know how to proceed to help. Here is where the fun stuff starts. After you do this, once they realize you have listened and understood them, they will take the time to do the same for you. As opposed to a pulling apart, we have a bringing together.

Every time you do that it gets less difficult. Over time, both you and your partner will stop expecting a “tug of war” every time they need to talk to you. With all of that emotional tension that comes from anticipating a battle gone, the talking gets simple and easy.

The alternative, too often, is one or the other partner having an affair, along with the relationship just falling apart. Then, if you should still wish to be with that person, you can find yourself being forced to find out how to survive an affair, or you have to try and discover how to make up, and restore the relationship. This really is a lot easier.

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